The Two Faces of Temperance Read online

  “Gee, my whiskers ain’t no more than a little peach fuzz. A kitten’s tongue would do the trick to their removal. Why, I just shaved this morning...”

  “You SHAVED, yourSELF!?!? No sir! This is not done, sir. No sir, a gentleman does not shave himself if he wishes to make a good impression on his new employers and that’s a fact, sir! Come with me this instant. I will brook no protest. Come along to my shop and I shall see if I can remedy the damage done.”

  ~ding-a-ling-a-ling-ding!~

  “Gee, this is a nice little barber shop you got here, sir.”

  “Thank you, my boy.”

  ~click.~

  “Did you just lock the door? Don’t you want no more customers?”

  “I wish to devote all my attention to you, my boy, without any interruptions.”

  “Then why do you have two chairs?”

  “One chair is for commoners, but you dear child, are no commoner. I want you to sit in my special chair.”

  “Your special chair? Gee, I’m about as common as common can get. Maybe I oughtter sit in this other chair...”

  “I said to sit in this one, you little fool! Oops, I mean, my especially, special friend.”

  “Yessir.”

  “Ah, that’s better. Now then, just lie back and be comfortable as I apply a few last strops to this razor.”

  “Yessir.”

  ~strip / strop / strip / strop~

  “Hmm, hmm, hm, hmm/hmm. Strumm, strumm, strumm, dee-strumm:”

  Razor, razor, lovely sight.

  Piercing reflector of any light.

  Scraping necks with pressures slight,

  Trajectory’s change reveals your might.

  “That’s a cute little ditty, Mr. Squweeny, sir, is there any more to it?”

  “There would be if you would quit interrupting me you stupid little... er, I mean, let’s have a listen, eh?”

  Crimson geyser to ceiling gush,

  Death’s cheeks do quickly blush,

  Just as quickly the face will flush,

  And from the body life will rush.

  “I don’t think I got the reference that time, sir.”

  “Just a bit of the colloquial dialect, changing a meaning here or there. This final stanza will reveal our song’s true face.”

  Scarlet rivers, they do flood.

  Maroon is the colour of the sewer mud.

  No-one will miss this faceless dud,

  As I release this torrent of steaming bl..

  “Hey, does this chair have a draft? Why looky there, there is a faint line, indicating a seam in the floor, all the way around this chair. It reminds me of a theatrical stage’s trap-door.”

  “Get back in that chair!”

  “Hang on a second, and lemme borrow that razor.”

  “How dare you, you filthy Colonial! Return me my razor at once!”

  “I just want to poke it down in this crack. There looks like there might be a latch... woah, watch out! It is a trap-door! This here barber chair is all set to tilt its unlucky inhabitant to a dreadful fall!”

  “Get away from my chair! Give me back my razor!”

  “Gee, it sure is a good thing I found that. I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt. I bet that little hidden cellar connects with the old Fleet Street canal, whatcha bet, hunh?”

  “Perhaps.”

  “I wonder if there ain’t an underground connecting cellar between this place and the meat-pie bake-shop, next door?”

  “Enough! Get out of my barber shop!”

  “Okay, okay, I’m going.”

  “Wait, come back. Give me back my razor.”

  “Oops, oh yeah, right. Here you go, mister.”

  “Mr. Temperance, I have been looking for you.”

  “Oh, howdy Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

  “I instructed you to not move, sir.”

  “Well, you see, what happened was...”

  “Never mind. As it happens, I find you exiting this Fleet Street barber shop at the same time that I am exiting Langela Annebury’s Meat Pie Bakery directly next door.”

  ~nom, nom, nom.~ “This sure is a good meat pie, Ma’am! What kind of pie is it?”

  “I am given to understand that the best policy is not to inquire too deeply into a meat pie’s mysterious origins.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Take a care, Mr. temperance, for you are dribbling your juices. I am assured that Miss Annebury is ‘slitting her own throat’, by selling her ‘pastries of mystery’ so inexpensively.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Let us travel by cab to the district of Cheapside, that we may inspect your new working quarters, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Yes, Ma’am. I reckon folks feel safe, all living together in a big metropolis like this, Ma’am.”

  “Indeed, we have not suffered an invader to our shores since William the Conqueror, nine hundred years ago, and the Romans, some centuries prior to that.”

  “I reckon this city has done all right, then, hunh?”

  “Outside the Black Plague, bouts of cholera, and typhoid, we have managed fairly well.”

  “Oh.”

  “And the ‘Great Fire’, of course.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Well, Mr. Temperance, here we are on Cheapside. Such a street of shops as this could not exist anywhere else in the world. There must be hundreds of tobacconists, haberdasheries, tailors, jewelers, and tinkers of every stripe in this community of commerce.”

  “Yes, Ma’am. The tourist’s brochures proclaim this the busiest street in the world, and I believe it! Well, here is our address. I was given a key. Let’s see if it fits the lock on this thin, unobtrusive and unmarked door. Yes, Ma’am, it does. After you, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. This long, narrow hallway only allows us to walk in one at a time.”

  “Lock the door behind you, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “We shall climb the narrow steps at the end of the hall. Ah, several flights carry us to a short landing with two doors.”

  “I was told to go to office ‘B’. Once again, my key fits the lock.”

  “This office is appointed so as to accommodate an engineer such as yourself, Mr. Temperance. There are drafting tables, a desk, and chalkboard.”

  “My instructions are said to be in the desk. Here is a letter:”

  Ichabod Temperance:

  Her Majesty has graciously awarded you her approval to be a part of an exciting government funded project. Great Britain endeavors to build an oceanic exploration vehicle. We wish to construct a below-the-surface vessel. A boat that can travel below the surface of the ocean. This sinkable boat is a National Security secret of the highest order!

  The sink boat is not a warcraft! No, merely a peaceful, though stealthy, manner of exploring our Mother Earth’s hidden and marvelous depths so that eggheads such as yourself can explore her hidden wonders, or whatever.

  Your orders are to design a tetherless operatorless rapid probe engage/deployment oceanic engine. This device must be able to identify a target at distant range and then deploy there with all dispatch. This is not to be used as a weapon, by any means, of course. This device will be used to track migratory fish so that we can safely allow them their natural paths.

  You are reminded that this is a TOP SECRET operation! A matter of National Security! Do not speak of this to anyone! Your fellow scientist in the adjoining office is the exception, but you must especially keep this from your nosy female friend, the Plumtartt woman. We do not want to strain her delicate feminine sensibilities.

  Now get to work!

  Her Majesty’s representative and your superior,

  ~Operative Eighty-Eight.

  “Oops, I reckon I wasn’t supposed to let you see that, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. You won’t tell on me, will you?”

  “No, but my suspicions as to the honesty of your secretive employer are aroused.”

  “Golly, do you think something is fishy, Ma’am?”

  “Q
uite so, Mr. Temperance; however, I wish you to proceed normally.”

  “Should I go ahead and design their tetherless operatorless rapid probe engage/deploynent oceanic engines?”

  “Yes, eh hem. Do you mind if I just go ahead and create an acronym for your device?”

  “No Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

  “Then yes, by all means, Mr. Temperance, design your ‘T.O.R.P.E.D.O.E.’. Your tenuous connection is all we have to uncover our government operative. We must follow what threads of information we may find to track our implacable foe. Yes, Mr. Temperance, build the device; however, do not be in too great a hurry in its completion.”

  “Hunh? You mean you want me to goldbrick? I’m a good worker, Ma’am! If I’m on the clock, then I have to be working!”

  “Of course, Mr. Temperance, I will then encourage you to take your time and be meticulously thorough in seeing to their exacting technical requirements, eh hem?”

  “Yes, Ma’am. What then?”

  “We shall see where this intrigue leads.”

  “Gee, whiz, Miss Plumtartt, just like in a book or a playhouse drama or something!”

  “Quite so, Mr. Temperance. Hello, what’s this? I hear a commotion in the adjoining office. Further, I hear the calamitous advance of an enormous creature.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Coupled with that distinctive cane thwock, I’d recognize that calamitous advance anywhere.”

  “The voices I hear, they are in the next office I am thinking. So I lurch myself over and what do I find? An open door to an office that is always locked? Looking in, to what do my wondering eyes appear, but that ridiculous little man from Alabama. He is some sort of mindless engineer. Obviously he is here to work on the same Sink Boat toward which I am recruited to turn my genius. So why do I turn toward the homely specimen of no consequence when I could be lurching toward this lovely specimen of the human species! I know this beautiful female. She is the Plumtartt girl. You are the fantastic female that is attributed mentally as well as physically. At the moment, my attentions are drawn toward your alluring physical attributes, dear girl.”

  “Eh hem, yes, one is flattered, I’m sure.”

  “Yeah, sure, flattery, I’ve got all you want if it means having a honey like you around, sister. Like a girl like you needs a bustle. You just work what God gave you, my little chickadee. You finely feathered, fetching pheasant; you equitable quail; you honey of a hen. rRowl!”

  “Hey, easy there Professor DiddleFudde, Miss Plumtartt may not be used to being scrutinized under such an acute examination.”

  “Bah, as if she is going to get the proper romancing from a passionless, cold fish such as you, Temperance.”

  “That ain’t true, Professor, I’m a real romantic! You just go on and tell him, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

  “Eh, hem, . . . ”

  “There, you see? She agrees with me! What have you done to tantalize little Miss Ploomsy? Nothing! Kaput! Kaplooey! You are one stinker of a lover, little Icky boy.”

  “Oh, I prefer to see him as a work in progress, Professor. Tell me, what is your input on this secret ‘Below-the-Surface’ Vessel’ being designed?”

  “I have been asked to study the effects of nitrogen in the blood associated with the crushing pressures of the ocean depths. If needed, I am asked to see if I can develop a serum to combat the ‘bendies’.”

  “I say, that is fascinating. I intend to have Mr. Temperance here first thing in the morning to begin his work. In the meantime, I wish to have him accompany me on a little errand. Toodle-oo, Professor.”

  “A toodle-lee-toodle-lee too-too to you too, you gorgeous smörgåsbord of a girl. As you and your boy rattle away down the stairs, rest assured, you will be foremost in my thoughts for some time. The Plumtartt girl. Let me see, I know her. We met before, once. Didn’t she have a first name? It was Paulina. No, that’s not it. Petunia-belle. No, don’t tell me. Penelope. I told you not to tell me! But seeing as I am myself, I don’t suppose there is any harm. Harm, as I would like to do to Temperance for getting between me and Persephone. Persephone, that’s it! Persephone Plumtartt, what a girl. What I would do to be in Temperance’s place. Would I kill him? Sure, why not? No one would miss the insignificant creature. Certainly, this would be the easiest route, but no, Penelope, I mean, Persephone has chosen. Why she has chosen so badly, I will never know! Look at me! I am a tower of intellect! What’s not to love? Besides my overbearing nature and manners, what is wrong with me? Don’t answer that! So, the Temperance boy must suffice. He is clearly not up to the task! An ‘alpha’ male, he is not. He is but a pitiful little creature. He is so dim, I sometimes wonder if he is even aware of his surroundings. If only I could awaken in him, that which lies dormant. Deep within that shallow skull, a primordial beast awaits, even in him. If I were to unleash this polar opposite side of his psyche, then maybe the sad washcloth of a boy would get some starch in his spine and quit with all the mamby-pambying. He needs to get down with the businesses of pleasuring Miss Penelope, I mean, Persephone Plumtartt! Then she will recognize my brilliance! Intellect is the new sexy! I will be irresistible to her after I'm through with the Temperance boy.”

  ~ * * * ~

  “Golly gee whillikers, Miss Plumtartt, I ain’t never been on no subterranean railroad before, Ma’am!”

  “Nor I, Mr. Temperance, how thrilling, eh hem?”

  ~batt, batt, batt.~

  “Uhb, . . . , . . . hunh? Oh yeah, riding in an underground train in London. The batting of those lengthy lashes around your sparkling blue peepers knocked me off track for a moment.”

  “One apologizes for the distraction. As thrilling as this ride may be, Mr. Temperance, I wish for you to remain on your highest level of expectation, and caution you to be wary at all times. My impression is that there may be trouble afoot that could concern high levels of political office. Let us speak no more of the matter until we are well within the halls of Westminster.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, we can speak instead of this wonderful underground train! It is all electric! The train engine is electric as well as the tunnel lights. The cab’s lights are electric, also.”

  “It is good that we have lights in the carriages, Mr. Temperance, for I see that our tunnel lights have been extinguished.”

  “Do you think the City of London forgot to pay their power bill?”

  “Hardly, Mr. Temperance. Oh my, now the carriage lights are being turned off.”

  “Oh golly, Miss Plumtartt, we are suddenly plunged into inky blackness!”

  “Stand by to repulse invaders, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumghurlk.”

  “Easy there, Plumtartt. I have a dagger to the little American’s throat.”

  “I am always at my ease, my darkness affectionate espionage-a’tour. If you wish to communicate, be assured, you have one’s attention. Slaying Mr. Temperance would be an act of futility.”

  “Don’t get cute with me, lass; I’ve still half a mind to go ahead with the plan.”

  “And what is this plan concerning to which you are experiencing second thoughts?”

  “The destruction of the British Empire and tyrannical governments everywhere!”

  “One sees. Cold feet on your bold exercise, eh hem?”

  “Nae, me witty gel, of that exercise I am of a stout heart. It seems me fellow conspirators had other plans, all along.”

  “I say, this is often the case. Please allow me to fill in the unspoken details. With the destruction of the world’s main governing bodies, the suffering proletariat everywhere would suddenly breathe the fresh air of freedom and liberty from the oppressive shackle of cruel overseers.”

  “Yes, that’s it, exactly, only....”

  “Ah, ah, ah! One was not finished. With the accompanying power vacuum, your erstwhile comrades of revolution are merely setting the stage for their own seizure of power.”

  “How did you know?”

  “Some things never chan
ge.”

  “These are cruel and heartless men! They shall crush the spirit of humanity for a thousand years.”

  “Tut, tut, my recalcitrant anarchist, Persephone Plumtartt and Ichabod Temperance are here to intercede on behalf of the forces of good, isn’t that right, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

  “Ghlurkle-ghurk.”

  “If you could see to withdrawing a bit of pressure from your dagger’s point against Mr. Temperance’s larynx?”

  “Of course.”

  ~gulp.~ “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. If it’s a choice between good or bad, I’m with the good guys!”

  “We’re pulling into the station. We cannae be seen together. Meet me outside the street entrance in two minutes, but in the meantime, remember ye’ well tae keep a weather eye out for the man with one leg.”

  “He let me go, Miss Plumtartt.”

  “Are you all right, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am. Did you get a look at our assailant?”

  “He is tall, with dark features and a short, black beard. His black eyes shine from beneath thick eyebrows. He wears a heavy overcoat and soft hat: the classic example of a mad anarchist if I ever saw one.”

  “The train is coming to a halt. Lots of people are disembarking onto a crowded platform. It’s hard to see in this sea of humanity.”

  “Let us make our way to the point of rendezvous.”

  “I don’t see no tall scary anti-government terrorists out here Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

  “Nor I, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Eek! Help, police! There’s a dead man sitting on this sidewalk bench!”

  “Looky there where that frantic woman is indicating, Miss Plumtartt. Is that our man?”

  “Quite so, Mr. Temperance. I am afraid that our witness is correct in her summation. This gentleman has just been mortally stabbed.”

  “Oh golly, what are we going to do, Miss Plumtartt?”

  “We must use this dark discovery to urge us on to a speedy resolution of our secretive dilemma. I have friends in high places. Let us make our way to the halls of power to secure assistance and support.”

  ~ * * * ~

  “What was that funny three-sided structure outside, Miss Plumtartt?”

  “Tyburn Tree.”