The Title of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 8) Read online

  The Title of Temperance

  ICHABOD TEMPERANCE

  Copyright © 2015 Ichabod Temperance

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN-10: 1519297564

  ISBN-13: 978-1519297563

  The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance

  Volume One: ‘A Matter of Temperance’

  Volume Two: ‘A World of InTemperance’

  Volume Three: ‘For the Love of Temperance’

  Volume Four: ‘A Study in Temperance’

  Volume Five: ‘In a Latitude of Temperance’

  Volume Six: ‘A Measure of Temperance’

  Volume Seven: ‘The Seventh Voyage of Temperance’

  Volume Eight: ‘The Title of Temperance’

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgements

  Chapter 1 A Night at the Circus

  Chapter 2 An Inauspicious Arrival

  Chapter 3 A Warm Welcome

  Chapter 4 Full Steam Ahead

  Chapter 5 Spring’s Song

  Chapter 6 The Wizards’ Duel

  Chapter 7 A Day at the Jousts

  Chapter 8 The Quest-Wench

  Chapter 9 Trials of the Quest

  Chapter 10 Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin

  Chapter 11 The Great Mischa

  Chapter 12 The Ogre

  Chapter 13 Hail, the Conquering Hero

  Chapter 14 Incognito

  Chapter 15 The Hanging

  Chapter 16 An Axis of Power

  Chapter 17 Unfinished Business

  Chapter 18 Ichabod’s Lament

  Chapter 19 A Surprise is Prepared

  Chapter 20 Bon Voyage

  Chapter 21 Batter Up

  Chapter 22 Assault on Camelot

  Chapter 23 Watery Departure

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you obstreperous Sergeant Turk for the swell cover design on which this series is based. Thank you, Mr. A.L. Williams, for the graphic work put into this book’s charming cover.

  Thank you lovely, beautiful, gracious and kind Persephone Plumtartt for all the formatting,

  and inestimable assistance!

  Thank you, Sir Thomas Malory, for the brilliant

  ‘Le Morte de Arthur,’

  which has proven such a thing of enduring legend!

  Thank you to the film productions of ‘Camelot’, ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’, and most especially, John Boorman’s ‘Excalibur,’ which are all so inspiring.

  Thank you, Mark Twain, for providing such a delightful premise for me to exploit!

  Cheers, and Happy Reading everybody!

  Dedication:

  This book is humbly dedicated to our

  good and noble dog, Herold.

  As cast members of ‘Camelot’, ‘Grail,’ and ‘Excalibur’ pass on, this book goes out to them.

  Chapter 1

  A Night at the Circus

  “Wild animals roar, daredevils fly, and magic suffuses the air of this fabricated foreign cavern, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Oh my goodness, no! Make them stop, Miss Plumtartt!”

  “I say, Mr. Temperance, the fate of the family Thrillmikov is in their own strong hands, eh hem?”

  “But they are a hundred feet in the air and without a net, Ma’am!”

  “Why, so they are, my beaux-uoy, but that is how these rascals get top billing at the great Moscow Circus, Ickedy-bod! Ain’t that right, Tsar Knucklaus?”

  “Da, my American friend, President Samuel Clemens, and your funny little companions. Only the finest circus acts that can be found the world over are a part of this, the greatest show on the planet!”

  “Thank ye, Tsar Knucklaus, but please remember, I am traveling ‘in-cawg-nee-toe’ under the name, ‘Mark Twain’.”

  “Oops, of course, I momentarily forgot your incognito status, and wish to travel without official recognition, Mr. President. Oops, I mean, Mr. Twain.”

  “Think nothing of it, my Far-Eastern European potentate, Ah, Ah say, Ah am just enjoying my vacation, suh. How about you, Persephone, you scrumptious little morsel of British beauty? Has this been an enjoyable excursion for you my dea-ah?”

  “I say, Mark, my dear, I cannot tell you how it pleases me that you would invite Mr. Temperance and myself on this goodwill trip to the capital of the Russias. How charming of Tsar Knucklaus and Tsarina Spaundexandra to invite us to this wondrous spectacle. Do you agree, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Oh, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, and it was real generous of y’all to allow us to bring our little dog Bolt along! He’s having a great time also, ain’t you Bolt?”

  “Roof!”

  “See? I told you, so!”

  “Ha, ha, look there, Persephone, those clowns are up to a bit of nonsense, wouldn’t you say, my dear?”

  “I say, Mark, they are a sort of fire brigade, are they not, eh hem?”

  “Assuredly they are, my dear. Just how many chaps do they have clinging to their smoking, steam-pump fire wagon?”

  “Seemingly endless, I should say, eh hem?”

  “Looky, y’all, the fire is just a little thing in a bucket, but there are a dozen clownish firemen going bonkers, not knowing how to put out a fire in a pail.”

  “Oh, good, one of our flame retardant civil service workers has gathered himself a bucket of water. I say, he could just pour the water on the flame and be done with it, but alas, no, our diminutive though brave firefighter is compelled to swing about in several velocity generating circles before flinging the water onto the flames, eh hem?”

  “Why Persephone, that rascally clown has gotten dizzy and missed his target altogether! In fact, it is his large and fearsome chief that receives the entire bucket of water!”

  “Hoo, hoo! Ha, ha! He sure is mad, y’all! That fire chief has gone and gotten him a bucket of his own and is chasing his errant clown!”

  “Look out, they are, Ah say, Ah say, they are headed this way!”

  “Mr. Temperance, the clown is trapped right in front of us! The chief is going to cast his bucket of water!”

  “We’re gonna get delugeed, y’all!”

  “Eeeek!”

  ~floogh!~

  “Ha, ha, my word, we fell for the old confetti in a bucket trick, eh hem? Ha, ha!”

  “Gee, those clowns got us good, didn’t they, Bolt?”

  “Roof!”

  “Say, Ickedy, aren’t you worried about Bolt the dog in this crowd of excited people?”

  “Oh, it’s all right, Mr. Twain. Bolt likes being around lots of people, don’tcha, Bolt?”

  “Roof!”

  “See, I told you he did. Do you like the trapeze artists, Bolt?”

  “Roof!”

  “Good boy! Do you like the acrobats?”

  “Roof!

  “Yeah, I figured you would. Did you like the clowns?”

  “Roof!”

  “Oh, you just liked it when they scared me, hunh?”

  “Roof!”

  “But Ickedy-bod, there are sure to be animals at a circus that might upset the dog.”

  “Oh, nossir Mr. Twain, Bolt loves all animals! He gets along with all types of animals as well as he does people, isn’t that right, Bolt?”

  “Roof!”

  “I say, here comes an impressive array of beasts! Magnificent white stallions stampede around the arena with handsome men and stunning women riding atop their steeds in a dashing fashion, eh hem?”

  “Ar-ruhn.”

  “Oh, Bolt, what’s the matter, buddy?”

  “Ar-ruhn, ar-runhn, ar-ruhn.”

  “Miss
Plumtartt! Bolt is acting like he is afraid of something.”

  “I say, you are quite correct, Mr. Temperance. If I did not know better, I might think that those horses were causing him some apprehension, eh hem?”

  “Your doggie is afraid of horses, Ickedy?”

  “Nossir, Mr. Twain, he ain’t never acted like this before.”

  “A fresh act is entering the arena. Oh, how delightful, a troupe of dancing bears.”

  “Ar-rooo, rooo, rooo.”

  “Now you just settle down, Mr. Bolt. This ain’t like you, boy. What’s the matter? These bears ain't going to hurt you. They are just marching along, playing little horns, and wearing little hats.”

  “Look there, Persephone, here come the elephants! What a grand parade! Side by side, they keep coming and coming. There must be a hundred of them!”

  “Yes, Mark, what splendid specimens these pachyderms are. Their exotic costumes and enormous red-dyed plumes of ostrich feather headdress are a treat to the eye. Tell me Mr. Temperance, is Bolt troubled by these tusked titans?”

  “Ar-roooooooooooooo.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. He is making it real plain and in no uncertain terms that he really wants to leave, right now, and in a hurry, too.”

  “Why Ickedy and Persephone, don’t go, the highlight of the show is just coming out. It is Walter Wilhelm and his famous Siberian tigers!”

  “Hien, hien, hien, hien, hien, hiiiiiiiiiiiiien!”

  “Your Mr. Bolt does not seem to like kitty-cats, Ickedy-bod.”

  “That’s odd, because he does like cats. Not to eat them, but as pals.”

  “My word, Tsar Knucklaus, I have never seen such immense tigers!”

  “Da, Miss Plumtartt, these are the greatest species of tiger on Earth! The gigantic, Siberian Tiger!”

  “I declare, those kittens almost stand shoulder to shoulder with Walter!”

  “Those tigers can’t be real, y’all. Those are probably horsies, painted up to look like tigers.”

  “No, Mr. Temperance, the veracity of these cats’ bonae fides are undeniable.”

  “Golly, the length of their bodies, not including head or tail is almost eight feet! Those tigers must weigh close to a thousand pounds!”

  “Why look there, Ickedy, Walter is able to make the tigers jump through hoops and sit on small, round platforms.”

  “Da, Eek-oh-bod, look at how the bears play and dance in frolicsome enjoyment.”

  “I say, look at how the elephants are able to stand, one balanced against the back of another in a long row.”

  “Gee whiz, y’all, there sure are a lot of dangerous animals in this here confined space. Elephants, tigers and bears, oh my!”

  “My lovely Tsarina Spaundexandra, you are especially fond of these animal tamer acts, are you not?”

  “Are I am, my beloved Tsar Knucklaus. Isn’t it amazing to see these tremendous brutes being coerced into performing in a manner that is so against their natural instinct?”

  “Rrr-ooooooo.”

  “Bolt sure is unhappy, Miss Plumtartt. I hate to leave y’all, but I need to honour Bolt’s wishes. I am afraid that Miss Plumtartt and I must be on our way.”

  “Oh, wait a second, Ickedy-bod, Walter is about to perform a famous part of his act.”

  “He is? Oh my Goodness! He is putting his head into that tiger’s mouth!”

  “Da, but my darling Knucklaus, was the tiger supposed to close his mouth around Walter’s head?”

  “Nyet, my slinky Spaundexandra, nor do I remember seeing Walter wave his arms about in such distress and discomfort. Perhaps we are witnessing a minor mishap in the performance?”

  “Rrr-ooooooo.”

  “I say, it appears that our cast of minstrel bears are also dropping out of character. They have thrown off their festive hats, discarded their horns, and adopted an aura of distinct menace, eh hem?”

  “Rrr-ooooooo.”

  “Look at the horsies, y’all! They are jumping and bucking like rodeo broncos! They’ve done tossed all their riders and are on a wild stampede through the exposition hall tent!”

  “Nyet, nyet, nyet! I am your Tsar, you naughty animals, behave yourselves!”

  “Mr. Temperance, a phalanx of elephants have built up a considerable velocity in their own right, much as the stallions, and if I am not mistaken, they are now headed almost directly for us!”

  “They are going to crash into the seating stands just to our left!”

  ~Kur-RASH!~

  “We are being over run by spectators trying to flee the elephant assault!”

  “More elephants are coming!”

  “The elephants are pouring into the gap caused by the collapsed seating section!”

  “Woah!”

  “Every person in this whole arena felt the push of the elephants against the structure beneath the viewing stands and released an involuntary moan. Miss Plumtartt, the herd is continuing their stampede beneath the stands, moving in a clockwise manner knocking out the supports beneath the spectator stands!”

  “Indeed, Mr. Temperance, one section after another collapses behind the perilous pachyderms, leaving its spectators to throw their hands in the air and scream. This occurs in such a regular pattern, that these screaming masses convey a sense of being a part of an impromptu wave, passing around the perimeter of the canvas arena. I say, the crest is now approaching and I feel myself readying my own efforts for this public display, when our own dais fails and we are sent crashing into bleacher planked catastrophic pandemonium, eh hem? Ahhhhh!”

  ~crash!~

  “Persephone, are you all right, my child?”

  “Yes, thank you Mark.”

  “Spaundexandra, are you injured, my svelte and satiny sweetheart?”

  “No, my darling Knucklaus, I am still a tightly wrapped picture of perfection.”

  “Oh, dear! Mark help me! It appears that Mr. Temperance has been knocked unconscious by the viewing stand’s collapse.”

  “I wish I were in a position to lend assistance, Persephone, but the presence of angry elephants and bears makes that predicament slightly less pressing.”

  “Knucklaus, the tigers are approaching! Eek! He’s got me!”

  “Mark, that monstrous tiger has the Tsarina firmly engulfed around her waist. He can easily chomp her in two and devour her!”

  “Great Heavens, as Tsar of all the Russias, I command you to release Tsarina Spaundexandra!”

  ~guh-loomgh.~

  “Ah declare, Ah say, Ah declare this is most intolerable! That overgrown kitty cat has taken the crowned head of this vast country in its enormous maw, and there is nothing we can do to stop it!”

  Chapter 2

  An Inauspicious Arrival

  “Ooooh, my head. Dang, I’m dizzy. What happened? Oh yeah, the circus disaster!”

  “Hunh? Where is everybody? Where I am? What am I doing out here? This sure is a pretty day, in a lovely green pasture, but I should be looking after Miss Plumtartt and Bolt.”

  “Miss Pluh-uhm- tarrrrrrrrrtt! Where are you?”

  “Bolt! Hey, Bolt! Here, boy! Come on, Bolt! I’ll try my double pinky whistle. That always brings him running.”

  ~phthweer-reeerp!~

  “Gosh, I don’t see Mr. Bolt anywheres. It looks like I’m all by my lonesome. Nothing around but blue skies, gently rolling pastures, and groves of old oaks full of singing birds. Oh, I think I see someone moving through that stand of trees. I think it’s somebody on horseback.”

  “Are my eyes deceiving me? It’s a clockwork man riding a mechanized horse! Ain’t they fancy! The horsie is gussied up with a colourful quilt, and the automaton riding it has a fancy featherduster on its head!”

  “Hey, Mr. Tin-man! Can you tell me how to get to Moscow from here?”

  Oh, good, he is equipped with aural sensors and is able to ‘hear’ me. He is stopped and has turned. He raises his metal hand to his face and is clearing the visual interface. Oh my Gosh! No he ain’t, he is lifting his
visor! That is a man in a metal suit! Oh my Goodness! That’s a real horsie wearing a metal suit, too! They are just pretending to be spring-driven clockwork devices! Oh, wait, now I get it! They are wearing suits of armour!

  “Howdy mister, I reckon you must be with the circus. Can you tell me how to get back there?”

  “Silence thy tongue, knave. Return at once to thine master before I distpatch thee hither.”

  “Hunh? Are you having me on? Quit pulling my leg and give me a lift back to the circus, would you? I’m really worried about the way things were last night.”

  “Merry, what is this peculiar manner of speech thou employest? Where didst thee get thy ridiculous clothes?”

  “These clothes ain’t that bad! They’re good enough that I can be seen with Miss Plumtartt!”

  “Lower thine eyes. Thee are naughtte of an equality! Assume the proper subservient obeisance forthwith!”

  “Enough’s enough, mister; quit horsing around. Gimme a pull up so I can ride behind you back to the arena.”

  “Thy familiarity knows no bounds! Your master will understand when I have slain thee.”

  “My ‘master’? No sir, I’m a free, and honest citizen, buddy. Ya dern tootin!”

  “Hah, thou dost exhibit every sign of complete madness. I shall relieve thee of thy difficult burden and have a bit of sport whilst thus engaged. Make thy peace in these final moments.”

  “Hunh? Hey, where are you going? Ain’t you gonna give me a ride back to the circus with you? Oh, good, he’s coming back. Gee, he’s coming back in an all-fiery hurry to boot! Um, hey, mister, you’re carrying your spear in a different manner also. Instead of resting on the top of your stirrup and pointed up in the air, you got it tucked up under your arm and have the point aimed for my chest. Hey, my feet are starting to run away. Hey, maybe they’ve got the right idea! Hey mister, be careful! You’re gonna stick me with that shiny spear!”

  “Stand still you running varlet. Do you not see how your efforts tire my poor horse? Stand stationary for half a second that I may slay thee!”