The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) Read online

  The Seventh Voyage of Temperance

  ICHABOD TEMPERANCE

  Copyright © 2015 Ichabod Temperance

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN-10: 1518654681

  ISBN-13: 978-1518654688

  The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance

  Volume One: ‘A Matter of Temperance’

  Volume Two: ‘A World of InTemperance’

  Volume Three: ‘For the Love of Temperance’

  Volume Four: ‘A Study in Temperance’

  Volume Five: ‘In a Latitude of Temperance’

  Volume Six: ’The Measure of Temperance’

  Volume Seven: ’The Seventh Voyage of Temperance’

  Volume Eight: ‘The Title of Temperance’

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgements

  Prologue One

  Prologue Two

  Prologue Three

  Chapter One: Icky vs. the Irrepressible March of Progress.

  Chapter Two: Icky vs. the Cruel Hand of Fate

  Chapter Three: Icky and the Sugar Buzz

  Chapter Four: Icky vs. the Insurmountable Wall of Denial

  Chapter Five: Icky and the Alliance of Unliklihood

  Chapter Six: Icky vs. the Thing from Beneath the Sea

  Chapter Seven: Icky vs. the Thing from Before Time

  Chapter Eight: Icky vs. the Laws of Probability

  Chapter Nine: Icky vs. the Dangerous Experiment

  Chapter Ten: Icky vs. the King of the Beach

  Chapter Eleven: Icky vs. the Aftermathematics

  Chapter Twelve: Icky vs. the Green Angel of Destruction

  Chapter Thirteen: Icky and the Glorious Forces of Victory

  Chapter Fourteen: ZodGila vs. the Royal Japanese Navy

  Chapter Fifteen: Icky and the Complete Disaster

  Chapter Sixteen: Icky vs. ZodGila

  Chapter Seventeen: Icky vs. the Infernal Machinations of Interplanetary Intrigue

  Chapter Eighteen: Icky vs. the Manifestation of Earth’s Destruction

  Chapter Nineteen: Icky vs. the Ineluctible Advance of Kitkara

  Chapter Twenty: Icky vs. the Temptation of Complete Despair

  Chapter Twenty One: Icky vs. the Specter of Total Annihilation

  Chapter Twenty Two: ZodGila vs. the Undeniable Dawn of Consciousness

  Chapter Twenty Three: Icky and the Final Showdown

  Epilogue

  DEDICATION

  Laura Stansell

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you, Sergeant Turk, for the scheme with which

  Mr. A.L. Williams created this book’s cover.

  Thank you, Miss Persephone Plumtartt, for your patience and inspiration.

  Thank you, Toho Studios.

  Thank you, dear reader, for taking on this adventure.

  Prologue One

  Emptiness lies on the infinite plane like a barometric blanket, smothering any spark of life under the airless, nocturnal swelter.

  “Fishies, fishies, in the sea,”

  “Fishies, fishies, where can you be?”

  “We fish all day without a bite,”

  “Your slimy little faces would be a welcome sight.”

  “Hey, Spikasawa, why are you so gloomy, hunh? Don’t you like my singing? You sat around and did nothing on my exquisite little fishing boat, the ‘Maki Ogre’, all day long. Do you not see how I have selflessly expended all my energies badgering you, and now when I am at rest with my guitar, you do not even pretend to like my serenade? It was so hot today, I could barely muster the energy to harangue you into coiling the ropes, polishing the mast, swabbing the decks and mending the nets since the fish are being so uncooperative. As far as the nets are concerned, I think I am not satisfied that each space between the strands is appropriately distanced. I think you need to go back and recalibrate all of the openings.”

  “Unh, give me a break, Captain Potaitohashi-san, let me finish smoking this pipe. Do you not sense something amiss? An unnatural calm weighs heavy on the water. The sky and sea have been as still as death for over a day now. The air does not sustain me. There is no life in the air or in the sea. We have not caught a fish in days. This is an unlucky trip and I think we should go home, Captain-san.”

  “Ohhh, Spikasawa, you worry too much. Maybe you will like my haiku better, hunh?”

  “No fish, no profit.”

  “First mate, good bait, no more wait.”

  “Spikey better work.”

  “Enh, those old-fashioned things are not really my thing, boss.”

  “Stop your moping, hunh; this fishing trip has been a vacation for you! I have had to feed you while at sea without any work out of you! You should pay me for your room and board while on this money losing voyage. Where are all the fish, anyway?”

  “I think the fish know better than us that this is a cursed area of the sea. Captain Potaitohashi-san, you should have known better than to come here. Every fisherman in Nippon knows better than to sail into these forbidden waters! This area of the sea is under a deadly curse!”

  “Bah! Nonsense! I twiddle my fingers in a dismissive and condescending manner at those old wives tales, meant to frighten their foolish husbands from venturing too far from home. I am a modern man in this age of invention! I have no time for your antiquated superstitions, young man.”

  “I don’t know, Captain-san. I know that we are well into the area that is bordered by Okinawa, Iwo Jima, and Pahtoonyia islands. The unchartered seas in between have earned the dubious title of ‘The Okinawan Triangle’. Strange disturbances are often reported from these haunted waters. Unexplained lights in the sky and strange noises have been reported. One time, an entire squadron of navy patrol boats completely disappeared, for no apparent reason. Terrified fishermen have reported swirling vortexes suddenly materializing out of thin air! These vertical whirlpools of bewildering colours might lead to another place and time in history! They may even be a connection to another galaxy! They can appear from out of nowhere to suck the unwary through inter-dimensional rips in the spacial continuum of the universe’s kimono fabric. Unless the pirate ghost ships, full of flesh eating ghouls gets them first, that is. Then there is the theory of an underwater colony of ancient, inter-planetary aliens, gathering research material for...”

  “All of that is utter nonsense, Spikasawa! This is 1877! Wake up and enter the modern era, boy! All of these ridiculous theories you espouse are just so much superstitious drivel that belongs in the distant past.”

  “Enh, maybe so, Captain-san, but what about the lack of fish, wind, or air?”

  “Just a run of bad luck, see? Oops, uh, not luck, because luck might be seen as superstitious, but more of a naturally occurring law of averages.”

  “Ohhh, I think the wrong end of the naturally occurring law of averages occurs way above average for me.”

  “Perhaps I shall concede to your silly superstitions and see if I can’t whistle us up a wind. Come here, my trusty guitar, let us, if you will, work some magic.”

  ~strum, strum~

  ~plinkety, plink-plink-plink~

  ~strum, strum~

  ~plinkety, plinckety~

  ~plink-plink-plink~

  “Let there be life beneath the sea.”

  “Let it come up, to see me.”

  “I’m ready for this desolation to come to an end.”

  “Please reign down upon me, with a divine wind.”

  “Oh well, nice try, Captain Potaitohashi-san.”

  “Ho, ho! I told you, it’s all supers
titious nons-woah! Spikasawa! What was that blinding flash of light that lit the sea for miles around from miles below?”

  “I don’t know, Captain-san! I’m scared! What do we do?”

  “Just stay calm, Spikasawa. I think that because I do not have a reasonable explanation, that I prefer to think that you and I just coincidentally suffered the same hallucination. I understand that this sort of thing happens all the time.”

  “But Captain-san, what about the gathering stormclouds from all directions, spitting multi-coloured lightning bolts in every direction?”

  “Just a seasonal atmospheric weather phenomenon.”

  “Is it just my imagination that the sea is shaking, Captain-san?”

  “Yes, it is just your imagination, Spikasawa, and I wish you would stop. It must be catchy because now I most definitely have the sensation that the water is quivering and shaking and acting in a way that goes against the laws of nature.”

  “I’m sorry, Captain-san, but now my senses-betraying imagination is telling me that something large is rising up from the unreachable depths of the ocean trench we float above. The waters churn and bubble and suddenly make great waves at the approach of something of an inconceivable dimension!”

  “Oh, Spikasawa, your imagination is about to capsize the boat!”

  “Captain Potaitohashi!”

  “Spikasawa!”

  “Aye-iiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”

  Prologue Two

  “It worked! Success! I knew it! They said my theories were lunacy! Those bureaucratic blowhards said I was mad! Hah! To think such a thing! Hah! Me! Doctor Atwell Lionelstein, mad? Hahahahahaha! I showed them! The petty, jealous minds that tried to throttle my brilliance will rue the day they laughed at me. The detonation happened just as I predicted! The crushing pressures of the deepest Ocean trench proved to be an ideal environment to conduct my experimental matter engagement trials. Those collegiate crackpots said my dreams of fusion were an illusion! The scientific community said with false impunity that I was fishin’ when I spoke of my vision for fission. The fools! Those worms shall cower at my feet and beg for forgiveness when they witness the awesome might of my ‘Excoriation Process’!”

  ~sproingke!~

  “Erk, my eye! Laurie, come help me! Where is that wretched assistant when I need her?”

  “Enh, here I am, Herr Dauktor. Aiiee! Dauktor Lionelstein, your right thumb is jammed into your left eye-socket again!”

  “I know that, you stupid girl! Quit gawking and lurch yourself over here to assist me, Laurie! Bring that ladder, as you obviously cannot stand up tall enough due to your severe hunchback to get to my eye.”

  “Ja, Herr Dauktor! I have developed this question mark shaped spine from my many years of hunching over my work tables. Maybe I should have built a workplace that was more labour friendly? In any case, it appears that your triceptical retrieval rods failed to compensate for your biceptal engagement springs. You asked for super-strength springs, Herr Dauktor; it is up to you to show caution when engaging them. Ah, here we are; I now will use this crowbar to pry your mechanical thumb from your artificial eyepiece.”

  “Be quick about it, Laurie Petier. I need you to replace this eye so that I can evaluate the results of my underwater ‘Excoriation Process’ test explosion. With the strange radiations emanating from the test material, I am sure that I will gain the last piece of the mutagenic cellular re-purposing equation. My many attempts at creating the perfect fighting creature to use in my quest to rule the world shall soon be at hand. My earlier attempts at super-creature creation to date have not been to the level of perfection that I require, but now that will change. I have finally perfected the process! It has been a long bumpy road to get to this point, eh, Laurie?”

  “Ja, Herr Dauktor. It was one of your earlier attempts at creating life that led us to meet. That was an incredible time, Dauktor! Do you remember when we were working in that little, rural, European village? That was back when we were engaged in those cadaver reanimation trials, remember? We built that big one from out of assorted execution refuse. He turned out to be quite lively, eh, Dauktor? I recall how ‘Patches’ would like to visit and play with the neighbor’s daughter. Who knew she vas not a good svimmer? Why couldn’t those maudlin tattle-tale villagers have just left us alone? Peasants should not be allowed to own torches and pitchforks! Ja, of course you remember that big fellow we crafted, for he was the one that took your arm!”

  “Yes, Laurie, you spherical headed, bulging eyeballed, twisted, German medical school reject, of course I remember, but it was your clockwork arm replacement that cost me my eye!”

  “Enh, the controls for that bioclock-springnic appendalimb are very delicate, Herr Dauktor!”

  “Don’t you think I know that?! Never forget, Laurie Petier, it was I, Doctor Atwell Lionelstein, that saved you from those Dusseldorf mobbes that would have hanged you for your ‘unauthorized’ cadaver liberation, and re-purpose. Those angry cretins could not understand your compulsion towards dissection and experimentation. It was a fortunate thing that I needed the assistance of one such as, . . . you. Your unusual bent in medical training proved helpful in those early days. After, the ‘accident’, you served me well in the design and attachment of the prosthesis. In fact, the strength of this mechanical arm, and the deadly attributes of the eyepiece have given me the power to control my mutagenic experimental rejects that dare to disobey me. This uncharted Pacific island has been the perfect location to build my unassailable fortress so that I can be free to conduct my experiments and study the habits of my incredible creations. Soon I shall lead an army of gigantic, monstrous animals that will spread their and my control around the globe!”

  Prologue Three

  “Super Controller! I beg forgiveness for interrupting you at feeding time, but I have an urgent message to convey!”

  “Blast you, you worthless page-slave, I never ever forgive anyone for anything! Could you not see that I was trying to enjoy this lovely, lively, bowl of Gulgoriok Marrow grubs when you interrupted me! You made me drop one of my worms and now it is trying to get away!” ~ploink!~ “There, I have the tasty, feisty, morsel securely skewered.” ~schlurp!~~gulp.~ “Ahhh.”~belch.~ “I have enough on my mind, what with that traitorous Continent Dubbayou, double crossing me in their pact against Continent Wyah. It is an ongoing challenge to maintain my position as both ruler of Continent Zhieh, and that as supreme Super-Controller of Planet Eckes with those treacherous empires, always vying for planetary rule. Now that I have the greatest super-monster super-weapon ever created at my command, I can impose my will over this entire world. All right, you worthless clone-slave, hurry with your announcement, and then see to your own immediate, yet extended and excruciatingly painful, execution for this unforgivable intrusion.”

  “Yes, Super Controller! Our secret, outer-space drones have recorded distressful signals from the planet Earth!”

  “Bah! That disgusting planet that deviously hides from us on the other side of the Sun! It is always opposite to us, so we never see each other. Those miserable mud crawling amoebas do not even know that we exist! I knew that stupid world would be a source of trouble at some point! What are those pesky Earth dwellers up to?”

  “Our outer-space drones have recorded evidence that they have detonated a device of incredible power! Our scientists believe that this is an indication of an advanced step in Earth’s technical knowledge. They may even prove to be a threat to our own belovedly evil, Planet Eckes!”

  “A threat to Planet Eckes? Inconceivable! Make the necessary preparations! It is time to instigate the plan of Earth’s destruction! Summon us that which cannot be stopped. Bring us that what cannot be resisted. The time has come to awaken the ‘Ineluctable One’!”

  Chapter One:

  Icky vs. the Irrepressible March of Progress.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, Miss Plumtartt!”

  “Thank you, Mr. Temperance, though in fact, today is not February fourteenth.�
�

  “No Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, but seeing as how we are on ‘Valentine Island’, I was thinking that everyday was Valentine’s Day, here. Actually, I guess every day is Valentine’s Day when I’m with you, Miss Plumtartt.”

  “I say, what a sweet sentiment, Mr. Temperance. Tell me, sir, do you know the reason this island has such an unusual moniker?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, it’s on account of being discovered on Valentine’s Day. The same way Easter Island was named for being discovered on Easter Sunday, so too was Valentine’s Island named for its date of discovery on a famous holiday.”

  “I note that this is not the only similarity between the two Pacific islands.”

  “No Ma’am, you are right again. This island is plum covered over by giant, stone statues, buried up to their necks in volcanic sand, ash, and rock, very much like Easter Island.”

  “I say, what a splendid discovery, finding these curiosities beneath the canopy of the looming forests.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, those trees are home to some great big birdies, too. Albatross and pelicans build their nests in the trees, cliffs, and among the scattered ruins of a long ago vanished race. Only the great statues, that only show their heads above ground, and other such pieces of art around the island have left any trace of this forgotten people that lived and thrived here.”

  “Indeed, Mr. Temperance, it seems the populace held more stock in art than in building construction. Oh, and if you will look there to where my pointing finger indicates, you will see our learned guide, the stout little Italian professor of archeology, Professor Fuzziwitz, approaching us in a state of extreme excitement. Oh, yoo, hoo, Professor, would you like to come and share your findings with Mr. Temperance and myself, eh hem?”

  “Ah, ho! There you are, my British beauty, hunh? How you constantly astound me with your stunning magnificence, henh? Your glorious figure, it puts me in the mind of the old fashioned time keeping device. You know, the hourglass. So is our Signorina Plumtartt, where she is nice and biggy up here, that I simulate with my hands, a-little tiny in the middle, and then a nice round shape down here, hunh? The shiny emerald fabric of your bustled dress shimmers nicely in the afternoon sunlight I am thinking, si? It sets off your strikingly colourful auburn hair that is built up so high, hunh? Si, bella, Signorina Plumtartt, I believe that I have made the biggy biggy discovery, henh?”