A World of InTemperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 2) Read online

  A World of InTemperance

  ICHABOD TEMPERANCE

  Copyright © 2013 Ichabod Temperance

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN-10: 1497453739

  ISBN-13: 9781497453739

  DEDICATION

  In loving memory of Miss Abigail GoldenBear

  and our little friend Loki.

  The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance

  Volume One: ‘A Matter of Temperance’

  Volume Two: ‘A World of InTemperance’

  Volume Three: ‘For the Love of Temperance’

  Volume Four: ‘A Study in Temperance’:

  Volume Five: ‘In a Latitude of Temperance’

  Volume Six: ‘The Measure of Temperance’

  Volume Seven: ‘The Seventh Voyage of Temperance’

  Volume Eight: ‘The Title of Temperance’

  Volume Nine: ‘A Journey of Temperance’

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgements

  Prologue One.

  Prologue Two

  Prologue Three

  Chapter One. Fricasee.

  Chapter Two. Bearly Legal.

  Chapter Three. North by NorthHex.

  Chapter Four. Cognizance.

  Chapter Five. Equinox.

  Chapter Six. A Lady’s Prerogative.

  Chapter Seven. The Damned Busters.

  Chapter Eight. Our Quarry.

  Chapter Nine. Follow the Mellow, Sick, Toad.

  Chapter Ten. OuiPort.

  Chapter Eleven. Broken Pack.

  Chapter Twelve. Slay Ride.

  Chapter Thirteen. The Unlucky Chapter.

  Chapter Fourteen. Girltime.

  Chapter Fifteen. Origins.

  Chapter Sixteen. Last Tin Man Standing.

  Chapter Seventeen. Without Restraint.

  Chapter Eighteen. Vive Les Femmes.

  Chapter Nineteen. Eight Miles High.

  Chapter Twenty. Wet Behind the Ears.

  Chapter Twenty One. A Bridge so Far, too!

  Chapter Twenty Two. Kaugiqsualujjuaq.

  Chapter Twenty Three. Rogue’s Pi.

  Chapter Twenty Four. To Penetrate a Fortress.

  Chapter Twenty Five. The Winds of Woe.

  Chapter Twenty Six. Sabotagy.

  Chapter Twenty Seven. Brewski.

  Chapter Twenty Eight. Homesick.

  Chapter Twenty Nine. Harness Pony.

  Chapter Thirty. PeaceCon.

  Chapter Thirty One. Unplugged.

  Chapter Thirty Two. Who Fired That Shot?

  Chapter Thirty Three. Heck In the Pacific.

  Chapter Thirty Four. The Decline of Western Civilization.

  Chapter Thirty Five. From Here to Eternia.

  Epilogue.

  Afterword

  Acknowledgements

  Grateful acknowledgment of my wonderful friends in the Steampunk Empire and Professional Wrestling is hereby rendered.

  Thank you, Wolfgang Metzger, for the beautiful silhouette!

  Thank you, Sergeant Turk, for the lovely graphics!

  Thank you, A.L. Williams, for the additional art and graphic work!

  Finally, to the enchanting Miss Persephone Plumtartt, thank you for the invaluable assistance you have provided.

  Prologue One.

  Midnight. Open Prairie. American Territory, South Dakota.

  “Yer crazier n’ a drunk raccoon what’s been kicked in the head. Me followin’ yew ‘round this prairie makes as much sense, ~brrrp~, s’cuse, as a fish building a bird nest up an apple tree.”

  “What’s the matter, old man, ain’t you gonna say nothing? Pfft, if yer some great buffalo hunter, I’m a Inter-Continental, Zeppelin Navigational Officer for the Empire of the United States.”

  “Come on, Cambridge, talk to me. Where are the endless herds of buffalo, and my ticket to easy money, hunh?”

  The old cowboy looks up.

  Firelight sharpens weather-worn creases on the sun-burned face, and ignites cobalt flames through squinted eyes. Vernon Cambridge was born and raised on the plains of the American Western Territories. The difficulties of a life on the plains has carved a living monument of tremendous character.

  “You’re right, boy. I reckon I told you a story. It looks like those days have already passed. With all the advances in weaponry, the great, woolly headed beasts have, unfortunately, met their match.”

  “Not until I’ve had my share! I want some of that easy buffalo hide money!”

  “We didn’t realize the damage we were doing,” Cambridge continues, more to the open air than to his grumpy partner. “We thought the buffalo were forever. It is future generations that will miss and be deprived of the spectacle of the wide, Western expanses, teeming with mighty buffalo.”

  The brooding prairie man takes a deep breath, and releases it with a bemused snort.

  “I would say that we did good, finding the signs of this small herd we have been after, but there is nothing good about hunting this impressive beast into extinction.”

  “Yet, more than just that, these buffalo are not acting like any I have ever seen. I could have sworn that I saw ‘scout’ bulls, like the picket post around an army. There were indications that they were aware that I was tracking them, and in turn they were tracking me. That ain’t natural.”

  “Smarty pants buffalo wanting to spoil our hunting party? You been on the prairie too long, old man.”

  “Today, we tracked the whole herd into a river and it did not come out the other side. What is going on? How can dumb beasts hide their own tracks? If I did not know better, I would think that they were trying to outsmart us, in an effort to save themselves. Maybe even circle back around on us.”

  “Yer crazy, old man.”

  “Quiet, Goose!”

  “I don’t hear nuffin.”

  “Feel, O’Malley.”

  A tin rattling from the lid of the coffee pot suspended over the fire accompanies the vibration rising from the Earth.

  “Oh. I do feel somethin’... Are we having a land tremor?”

  “The horses! Goose O’Malley, don’t just sit there, catch the horses, they’re breaking free!”

  “Hey you crazy horses, settle down! Augh, they have gotten away! What’s going on, Mr. Cambridge?”

  ~sniff, sniff~ “They’re even attacking from up-wind.”

  “Who’s attacking, Mr. Cambridge? Please sir, do something! Oh Golly Mr. Cambridge, sir, there is a frightening rumble rising up out of the Earth, like a stampeding herd of heavy hooves. What is going on?”

  “Pay back.”

  Prologue Two

  Late morning. Farmhouse. Kansas, USA.

  “This is that dog’s fault.”

  “You can’t blame the dog for your actions, Hank.”

  “What actions?”

  “You know that I know, Hank. In my mind, I saw you slipping into town to see them girls of easy persuasion.”

  “You couldn’t see me because you weren’t there. Oops. I mean, I wasn’t anywhere doin’ anything with anybody, so how could you see me anyway?”

  The man, the woman, and their tow-headed boy, look at the dog.

  A dark cloud passes over the man’s face. The scent of murder fills the air.

  “No, Pa, no!”

  “Please Hank, don’t.”

  “That dog was there. He followed me. He saw me with Linda Lou.”

  “Hnarnnnh!”

  “Come here, you stupid little mutt!”

  “Hien!”

  “No, Pa, please don’t hurt him!”

  “Don’t kill that dear little dog, Hank, please!”

  “Shutup. There’s something peculiar about this mangy runt. Yeah, I should have disposed of you straight away, mutt. Stay here, woman, and hold the boy. I’m gonna go take care of this stupid dog once and for all.”

  ~slam!~

  “Come here, tattle-tale. Yeah, this shouldn’t be too hard. I’m sure I have the right tool for the job around this barn somewheres.”

  ~The little dog looks at Hank.~

  “Whew-whee. Linda Lou. What a gal!”

  ~The little dog looks at Hank.~

  “Yeah, that’s my kind of woman! All flirtsy, fun, and willing.”

  ~The little dog looks at Hank.~

  “Mmm. I can almost smell her now.”

  ~Hank lets go of the dog’s collar.~

  “Not like plain ol’ Mary Jane in there. Linda Lou’s built like a real woman. Boy howdy, she sure does fill out them shiny, dance hall dresses all right!”

  ~The little dog slips outside.~

  “Yep, I can’t wait to get back to Linda Lou. Hunh, now, what did I come in here for? I thought I came out here to the barn to do something? I got to thinking about Linda Lou and forgot what it was.”

  ~With a last look at the farmhouse, the little dog heads West.~

  Prologue Three

  Undisclosed location, far to the North.

  “Get those luxurious furs off me! My flesh craves the tingling sensation of arctic air on my hot skin!”

  “Ha, ha, ha! All the pieces of my carefully laid plans are falling into place!”

  “The passing of the ‘Revelatory Comet’ has expedited my plans exponentially!”

  “Admirals, Field Marshalls, and Generals the world over have been so easy to manipulate! They think they are of iro
n will, but each is as putty in my hands. The heightened swell of armies around the world cannot be contained! The lusts of Man, are mine to control. He lusts for war and power, and I know how to give it to him. Ha, ha! I also know how to take it away.”

  “I have cast an invisible net over an unsuspecting planet. My ‘Sin-dicate’ is too well entrenched within the Halls of Power in every major capitol to be dislodged.”

  “My secret bases churn out illegal arsenals that every nation happily buys up! I am amazed at my victims’ willingness to speed their own demise! Poisons, killer automata, and soulless creations shall do their part to wipe out excess humanity.”

  “This is an age of unusual change in an unexpected manner. Heretofore dumb animals are now showing signs of elevated intelligence. I never conceived of extending my domination over the animal kingdom, but as the opportunity is there, why not?”

  “Let the humans diminish their own ranks; the remnants will beg me to be their leader!”

  “Then every creature on Earth shall worship me!”

  Chapter One.

  Fricasee.

  Point of View, Ichabod

  “Happy New Year, Miss Plumtartt!”

  “I say, may the new year be joyous for you as well, Mr. Temperance. However, need I remind you, we are still twenty minutes from midnight, and the dawning of the year, 1876, eh hem?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, I’m just excited at being back in the states and in Los Angelos, I reckon. Gee, 1876! This year will mark one hundred years of independence from English colonization, begging your pardon, Ma’am.”

  “Oh no, Mr. Temperance. I must say that I am most pleased that your little country has been able to stumble along without the need of Great Britain’s guidance.”

  “Gee, that sure was swell of you fellers to meet us at the docks and give us a lift into town. How did you know we were coming, Officer O’Hagan?”

  “The lovely Abigail asked us to hurry you to her upon your arrival. Methinks she has a mystical way of knowing when people come and go.”

  “I say, that is fascinating, Constable. The imposing Abigail GoldenBear is a woman of many talents.”

  “Aye, Persephone, my lovely child. Perhaps little Icky would like to ride in the front seat of this steam-carriage and have Officer Smith, here, explain her operations. I could then join you in the rumble seat that we may continue our conversation, more intimately.”

  “Come on up, Citizen Ichabod.”

  “Yessir!”

  “Eh hem, I say, no, I think I prefer Mr. Temperance to remain where he is, thank you.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Oh well, you can’t blame a man for trying, eh?”

  “I am flattered, constable, but I remain hopeful that I will one day inspire a more courageous romanticism within Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

  “I wish you good luck in that endeavor, Persephone.”

  “Eh hem, yes. I understand that this city is still plagued by occurrences that border on the supernatural.”

  “That’s right, British Citizen Persephone. That is why O’Hagan and I now head up the L.A.-X-Dossiers.”

  “What are them, Officer Smith?”

  “Well, Citizen Ichabod, ever since the pass of the ‘Revelatory’ Comet, there has been no end to ghostly hauntings, fantastic creature sightings, and spectral manifestations.”

  “Aye, Keefer, me boy. It happens naturally, but Los Angelos is also home to dozens of covens, demon summoners, and naughty citizenry, prone to ouija board misuse.”

  “Gosh, that ‘Revelatory’ Comet sure did put a whammy on our unsuspecting world!”

  “Let me see, the visit of the Comet was in July of 1869. This is December 31, 1875, making that occurrence to have been six and a half years ago. I say, I still sense the anxiety our planet suffered at its swift approach.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I’ll tell you what, when that comet got slung around the Sun and back towards Earth, I thought we were goners for sure! As it was, the Comet passed before us, and we just rolled on through her tail.”

  “Aye, lad, and look at us now! Everywhere you look, wild inventions of steam, spring, and electricity surround us in this mad age of hyper-invention. Why, this lovely coal-stoked, steam-carriage is just one of the wonders. You, little Ickety Temperance, are as fine a tinker as any other! Why, Keefer and I would be lost without our ‘Green Beauties’! Those clever goggles you made for us that have the ability to see the otherwise invisible world of the extra-normality have been of invaluable assistance in our expressed duties.”

  “I say, gentlemen, why are we stopping? I thought we had an urgent appointment with Miss Abigail GoldenBear?”

  “We have a little business to conduct here on the West side of town. As you two are so good at this sort of thing, I thought we would press you into service. It shouldn’t take too long, and beside that I believe you know the gentleman involved.”

  “Golly, this whole neighbourhood is dark and quiet. It does not sound like anything is stirring inside of a half mile.”

  “Why, Mr. Temperance, our chauffeur has brought us to a church. It’s a cute little white-washed frame building, with little curlicues and wooden tassels adorning the eaves.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, but something seems off. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to stay away from this otherwise friendly place. The sign in front reads:”

  The Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite’s Church for Wayward Girls and other Attractive Ladies

  “Why, Mr. Temperance, you don’t suppose that is the same Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite that we met while traveling by train last year, do you?”

  “Ahhh-eee-yea-ess-ah!”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I do! That Southern accent is unmistakable! The strong delivery and classic evangelical enunciation that stretched that little ol’ monosyllabic word into an accordion of pleasing tones could only be pronounced by our good friend and traveling companion, the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite!”

  Standing in the churchyard is an excited coloured gentleman. Clothed in the garb of a Priestly frock, the Reverend’s shaven head gleams in the moonlight.

  “I demand to be liberated, yes, from the tribulations that plague me so.”

  “I say, Reverend Dolomite, your loyal and obedient coptic constabulary are augmented by your faithful friends, Ichabod Temperance and Persephone Plumtartt.”

  “Persephone! Hallelujah! My prayers have been answered, and you have been delivered from the desert’s wasteland! Praise the Lord! Hello, little Itchy-bod, glad to see you’re still alive, son.”

  “Yessir, thank you, Reverend Dolomite, sir, the last time we saw you we were wanderin’ around the desert like some folks from out of the Old Testament. I didn’t never to thought we was gonna get outta that ‘un.”

  “Rather, I say, I do so apologize for my discourteous departure, at that time, Reverend Dolomite.”

  “Think nothing of it, my lovely child. I am just so relieved to see you both again unharmed. Praise God!”

  “How have you been, Reverend Dolomite?”

  “Ah, Itchy, this has been a difficult time for me. You see where I have built my Church that I have always dreamed of, but it is unsafe for any creature to enter. Something is not ah-right-ah. Hallelujah!”

  “What seems to be the problem, Citizen Reverend Dolomite?”

  “A foul criminal has defiled my lovely church! That rascal has vandalized this property!”

  “Aye, well, you are a stout and righteous man, me consternated clergyman. I look at you and do not think I would want to be trying your patience. Why did you not tend to this little chore yourself?”

  “There is not a man walking God’s Good Earth that I would not lay hands on and throw out, if he trespassed against this church; maybe even three or four at a time, but this one is special. I thought I would leave him to you professionals.”

  “Miss Plumtartt, are you all right, Ma’am? You just shuddered and fell back away from the churchyard a few steps.”

  “Eh hem, yes, Mr. Temperance. Do you remember my explaining my talent for observing things supernatural without the aid of your goggles?”